The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
