how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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