i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
