Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
