Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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