We named our party play list daddy issues
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
