Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
