I think my vagina is haunted
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
