apparently the secret to your success is patron
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
