Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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