your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
