3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
