He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
