got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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