I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
