When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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