STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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