Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
