The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
