I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
