It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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