the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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