I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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