Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize