either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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