sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
