Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
