I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
