I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
