It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
