When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
