I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize