I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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