My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i came on her dog
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
