we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
