dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
