I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize