The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
