Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize