Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
