took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
