i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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