Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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