I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
