im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
