The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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