My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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