I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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