Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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