Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
