nut hugger
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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