genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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