why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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