I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
