"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
