the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
