You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
