As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
