girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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