somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
