you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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