his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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