we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
