Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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