I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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