I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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