apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
