You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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