I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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